cackamasaurus

Scared Bros

2011-10-10T12:18:00.002-04:00

scared

"The Vanishing Lover"

2011-08-17T14:56:00.000-04:00

2011-03-16T18:59:00.000-04:00

Style Council

2011-03-11T02:35:00.001-05:00

Should I get these shoes or these shoes or should I just wear one on each foot?

Baby Trashes Bar

2011-02-16T17:33:00.002-05:00

Hairy Balls

2011-02-12T15:22:00.001-05:00

That's the Most Illegal Thing I've Seen in the History of Wrestling!

2011-02-05T14:40:00.001-05:00

Egyptian protests

2011-01-28T17:04:00.002-05:00

Lots of revolution going down in Egypt. Though internet and mobile services being cut are making it tough, here's a bit on the organization of the protests.

Idiocracy

2011-01-26T17:48:00.000-05:00

Pollution in Naples

2011-01-20T12:09:00.002-05:00

Following it's epic trash crisis, pollution in Naples has reached critical levels. This New Year's Eve, it was raining bullets so hard, people started sneezing them out.

Finally, Some Good News

2011-01-02T21:36:00.004-05:00

2010-12-14T16:41:00.004-05:00

Nash Davis

The VHS vault has been opened

2010-12-09T13:16:00.002-05:00

Greetings pals and other jerks, for your review today is the first segment of a VHS that was copied amongst friends in Oakland in 1997. None of us know who made it. Between sketches were many horror trailers. I am still waiting for the redubbed Charlie Brown Christmas. The whole tape has been digitized...but for now, we'll start at the beginning.

A Christmas Thingstuff from Vons Osmin on Vimeo.

Knowing Me Knowing You

2010-12-06T16:32:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-23T01:59:00.001-05:00

TSA A-OK!!

Don't Be A "Dick" To Your Tattooer

2010-11-15T14:33:00.000-05:00

"To add insult to injury, he was allegedly punched and thrown out of the Bundamba man’s house after he was tattooed."

Keep it up

2010-11-04T03:29:00.002-04:00

I'm glad scientists are on top of this. (actually does seem pretty cool).

Cackamasaurus Teaches the Controversy

2010-11-02T11:17:00.006-04:00

Readers, have you checked your church's marble balustrade for dinosaur skulls today? No? Do it now!

This is pretty nuts. I know the Devil created fossils and placed them in various strata of rock to deceive humans into thinking that the earth's composition of flora and fauna has changed over time, but a church? That is just chutzpah.

Drunk History

2010-10-25T14:25:00.001-04:00

Drunk History Vol. 5 w/ Will Ferrell, Don Cheadle & Zooey Deschanel from Will Ferrell

I give up....

2010-10-25T01:28:00.002-04:00

How is this:
more ridiculous than this: ?

Exercise

2010-10-05T16:42:00.001-04:00

Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk

Rollercoaster

2010-10-03T21:02:00.000-04:00

France's greatest fundamentalist terror threat

2010-10-03T12:28:00.002-04:00

The US government should probably issue a second travel warning. Well, I'm warning you all, stay away from this battleground of conservatives vs. libertines in France.

What Type Are You?

2010-10-03T02:35:00.001-04:00

2010-10-03T00:03:00.002-04:00

2010-10-02T23:12:00.002-04:00

Ahoy

2010-10-02T09:41:00.000-04:00

Fun times on the high seas.

The Toilet

2010-10-01T14:46:00.002-04:00

PIZZA!

2010-09-28T16:44:00.001-04:00

Big Jim SLADE

2010-09-24T16:41:00.001-04:00

Let them eat cake

2010-09-24T06:11:00.002-04:00

Or trifle, or mincemeat pies or whatever.

Founding Daddy (as in, "who's your?")

2010-09-24T01:12:00.002-04:00

"Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement."

-Ben

2010-09-22T02:47:00.003-04:00

2010-09-19T14:15:00.001-04:00

2010-09-19T14:05:00.000-04:00

Fodder For The Robot Supremacy File

2010-09-19T13:40:00.001-04:00

"Helicopter Crashes While Filming Autonomous, Driverless Audi Climbing Pikes Peak"

Obviously

2010-09-13T16:48:00.008-04:00

(1) This year was the 80th fête de l'humanité, a giant communist festival outside of Paris where each region's communist party sets up a booth with petitions, speeches, pamphlets and cute communist puns. But it's also just a big music festival with a lefty spirit, basically more disgustingly innovative dreadlocks, Palestinian flags and nice people than the Euro-bro summer music festival I went to last month.

(2) So, in this setting, this makes perfect sense: an old French rock star, Jacques Dutronc, starts singing one of his classic songs called "J'aime les filles" or "I love girls." From the extreme distance of where I am sitting from the stage I can't see much, but suddenly notice a small red blob on the stage that is not in any of the shots projected onto the giant screen. It kind of looks like a midget? Well, yes it is. Finally, Jacques introduces this tiny woman in a ridiculous red dress as Stéphanie, his "porte-bonheur" and "mascotte" (good-luck charm and mascot). Then she tells some jokes.

The only clip I could find is the end of the song, where, gotta show love for the Corsicans by holding up that Corsican flag your midget keeps in her pocket?
So I guess its just cultural differences, but even the crunchiest of the Frenchies didn't seem to find this a little fucked up. I guess France is a little behind the US, what with all our more enlightened little people entertainment. Or keeping midgets as mascots has always been more of a European thing.

Chris Farley Lives!

2010-09-09T20:18:00.004-04:00

Note To Terrorists

2010-09-07T13:49:00.002-04:00

Leave New York City alone. Feel free to blow the hell out of Florida.

Dear Hollywood...

2010-09-05T23:46:00.004-04:00

You know how you turn every TV show from the 70's into a movie these days? Please Vishnu Jesus Allah Crom Yahweh let this be next.

56 year old virgin

2010-08-27T19:23:00.000-04:00

No Manhattan!

2010-08-25T14:40:00.004-04:00

Who can cab drivers pick up anymore? Now that white guys are a threat, white women are the last demographic that can safely be allowed in NYC taxi cabs - though Wayans style trickeration might make this unwise.

WHAT THE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!!???!!!???

2010-08-23T18:55:00.001-04:00

"What are you gonna do for an encore, rape my mother while pouring sugar into my gas tank?"

Thank God For Iran

2010-08-22T20:13:00.004-04:00

For keeping the nintendo-style bad guy aesthetic live and in effect.

How to be ridiculous

2010-08-19T12:40:00.006-04:00

This type of silly urban planning is such a better idea than building exclusive, tree-shaped islands.

RUN, just fucking run

2010-08-12T00:43:00.001-04:00

Oh my fucking god IT HAS HANDS!!! GIANT HAAAANDS!!!

2010-08-10T19:16:00.001-04:00

2010-08-10T16:01:00.002-04:00

Tickle my Vagina

2010-08-09T19:22:00.001-04:00

Robots, pyramids

2010-08-07T21:44:00.004-04:00

This can only end in awesome.
*a friend suggested reading the comments. You won't regret it.

News Item of the Week!!!!!!!

2010-08-01T02:26:00.006-04:00

From the Southern California desk of Cackamasaurus: So another week of stories coming across my desk about our failing government, failing economy, failing environment, failing entertainment industry, our failing sports culture. So corrupt and destitute is the American cultural landscape these days it seems unfathomable that one might cull a story of hope and redemption out of the sewage heap that we wallow in. The storm clouds of hopelessness and cynicism have hung heavy over our heads for what seems like an eternity now. The heroes of yesterday, those singular individuals that punch rays of sunshine through the vast dreariness overhead seem to have disappeared from our lives completely. Then this motherfucker shows up and its clear skies for a far as the eye can see.... Thank you New Jersey.

Does This Make You Want To Watch Shark Week?

2010-07-29T13:24:00.000-04:00

I just creeps me out.

Change iCan Believe In

2010-07-26T14:05:00.002-04:00

It might be a sign that it's already too late when we plaudit a governmental act that allows us to do stuff we already thought we could do.

But hey, at least it's not bad news.

A couple of the new rules:

- allow owners of used cell phones to break access controls on their phones in order to switch wireless carriers.
- allow college professors, film students and documentary filmmakers to break copy-protection measures on DVDs so they can embed clips for educational purposes, criticism, commentary and noncommercial videos.

Where's Dershowitz Now?

2010-07-25T01:44:00.006-04:00

Dear Professor Dershowitz,

I understand that you can't help every murderer and child molester that comes along, but I promise you that if you get me off, you'll seal the deal as the greatest defense attorney of all time.

It wouldn't even be that hard. You could just use the playbook from the Epstein case. I basically did a lot of the same stuff, with the importing of children from overseas to have sex with and all.

What does a child rapist have to do to get some pro-bono up in this piece?

Sincerely,
Kevin Ricks

A question for the Oklahoma City readership

2010-07-22T20:50:00.003-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Can you recommend a store that stocks some PRO-secular socialist siding, windows, and roofing? That's more what I'm in the market for these days.

2010-07-22T13:54:00.002-04:00

Add This One To The "No-Shit" File

2010-07-22T02:38:00.002-04:00

"workers on the Deepwater Horizon ... feared reprisals if they reported mistakes or other problems."

2 Live Crew Should Stay Away From Israel

2010-07-22T02:27:00.000-04:00

"He told reporters that he is known by friends and family by the nickname Dudu, which is more commonly used by Jews called David."

You're Not Helping

2010-07-22T00:19:00.003-04:00

In case you are not familiar with Alan Dershowitz, he is the "legal genius" that helped free O.J. back in the middle-ages (which is the modern term for the mid-nineties). A few months ago Al (as I call him), in response to some Catholic dude's crazy rant about how "the jewish media" is to blame all the priest child rape hubub, took on the Catholic Church for being anti-semitic.

Though making this point is as redundant as calling Henry Ford "anti-Chevy," sometimes it is useful to restate the obvious.

I only wish that Al had thought back to his first year in law school and adopted the unclean hands doctrine to his public discourse - which basically says don't talk shit if you're covered in shit. Why, you ask, am I comparing Al to a steaming pile of shit?

It Must Be Hard For The Tea Baggers

2010-07-20T20:33:00.002-04:00

Not the part where they got Shirley Sherrod fired by editing her comments, turning a story about overcoming racial animosity into a story about how she herself is a racist.

Rather, the fact that by bringing light on how the Roger Sooner's family farm was saved by big government (not the eponymous website that "broke" the video) with the help of "friend for life" Shirley Sherrod, they are forced to acknowledge the fact that white people can be welfare recipients too.

Front page news and important scientific discoveries.

2010-07-15T10:27:00.008-04:00

In my office, one is expected to be well-informed and to participate in intelligent conversation based on the big news stories of the day. You bet we are all well-versed in the latest on the Polish presidency and the kidnapping of Iranian scientists and the like. This article, which appeared smack in the middle of the front page of the New York Times website this morning (Paris time) was today's main topic of conversation, and I found I was able to add some pertinent insight into the subject thanks to this BBC article. Thank goodness it's so easy to turn to major news sources for quick access to important world news.

Awesome new video

2010-07-14T21:51:00.005-04:00

Dear Jewel, I love your new video! It is soooo funny, definitely WAY more funny than die. When you put on brown hair, and a big hooked nose, and padded out your waist and butt and stuff? I was like, that is RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY, because everyone knows that you are blonde, and have small facial features, and are on the cover of Shape Magazine in a bikini this month talking about how someone called you chubby once and that made you sad and therefore everyone should love their body but most importantly demonstrating that you are TOTALLY NOT chubby anymore AT ALL. An unexpected contrast - that's what makes something funny.

And then when you started to sing, and your voice sounded like a professional singer? Everyone was like nuh-UH, it doesn't even make any sense that someone who looks like that could have a good voice! You took it beyond funny to mind-blowing! Commenters on Jezebel were tearing up like you were the second coming of Susan Boyle.

I think it could have been EVEN funnier though. Here's my idea - Instead of calling yourself 'Karen,' you should have gone with 'Jewess' - get it? Jewel / Jewess? I think your new audiences would really have appreciated that. But whatever, we all got what you meant anyway, like with that giant Jew nose you put on and then pointed to!!!! Hahaha I was rolling on the floor laughing, as they say!

But then I got kind of serious, thinking about the deeper message. I mean there are actual people, somewhere out there, who have big, knobby noses, and BROWN hair (I know, ew, I can barely stand it), and a gross mooshy butt that like, jiggles all over the place when they get out of the shower and oh my god wouldn't you just want to DIE if that was you???? And some of them have to work in offices selling things? Can you imagine? It is just so... sad. I almost stopped rolling on the floor and then I was just kind of laughing.

I know that YOU live on a ranch in Texas, Jewel, and that is because you have a graceful soul that can only live in big outdoorsy places, a songwritery soul full of songs that yearn to be free, songs that could never sell frozen foods like 'Karen' does, only razors. And instead of sitting on that ever-expanding butt (or should I say tush, because, again, come on, JEWESSES) in a stuffy, sad, climate-controlled office, you are probably out clearing brush, because you are Country now I think?, or if not that, then posing in a bikini on Miami Beach, because that seems pretty simple to do, and what's simple is true.

And it's like, maybe all those people have a pretty thin blonde lady who writes poems, like INSIDE them? Like a JEWEL. Like a DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH. Inside them. And you are just doing a service to all those people, by being the physical manifestation of the pretty and famous person they all want to be. And in the video you not only allow brown-haired people to be around you (did you touch them??? I hope not Jewel), but you show them that anyone can do anything, no matter what they look like. Well, OK, you do not show them that, because then you come back into the karaoke bar without The Nose and reveal that you are Jewel, the blonde singer, who by the way has a new album coming out. But still, it must be pretty inspirational for those kinds of people to learn that Jewel can sound JUST LIKE Jewel, even while wearing glasses.

Funny or Die? More like funny or DEEP.

P.S. Karen is totally an ugly-girl name, so still a pretty good choice. And of course that goes for all variations on its spelling.

Double Rainbow

2010-07-13T13:50:00.001-04:00

A Portion of Russia's Video Campaign to Host the 2018 World Cup.....

2010-07-05T22:42:00.002-04:00

Free Speech vs. "Don't Be Stupid": Round 1 Million.

2010-07-03T18:05:00.002-04:00

"Also rejected: Metallica, Superman, Veranda, Ikea and Elvis. "

Only After Being Told He Couldn't Coach the All-Star Team Exclusively

2010-07-01T20:42:00.003-04:00

You can't cry to the media when you don't get the last muffin at breakfast, so retirement didn't suit him. Maybe coach the Harlem Globetrotters? They've got a pretty winning record and the book you write bashing them can be called The Last Season (I Coached the Biggest Assholes in Basketball, So This Is a Little Better, But I'm Still the Single Biggest Asshole in Basketball). Or is that title too long to fit on the spine?

Putting the "Killer" Into The Whale

2010-07-01T17:44:00.000-04:00

If I had to spend years in SeaWorld, or Florida, I would probably become a psycho killer too. At least this time they didn't kill the poor beast - turns out it's worth too much.

Best Band I Ever Saw in Tacoma....

2010-06-30T19:58:00.000-04:00

Kill The Illnesses by Vegetable F

This Guy Won The Election!

2010-06-27T14:44:00.004-04:00

Hey Michigan Ladies

2010-06-23T22:33:00.003-04:00

Any SWF's ISO a SAC?

"I Ain't Related To No Monkey!!"

2010-06-22T23:31:00.002-04:00

You sure about that?

parisian dogs

2010-06-22T02:10:00.004-04:00

Mostly Paris is filled with a lot of what people affectionately like to call shit-eaters. Leashless little barky things. Then once in a while, you come across these guys.

I Wonder If This Guy Is Christian?

2010-06-21T01:37:00.005-04:00

Utah Atty General Mark Shurtleff via Twitter during a firing-squad execution of an inmate:
"I just gave the go ahead to Corrections Director to proceed with Gardner's execution. May God grant him the mercy he denied his victims,"

"A solemn day. Barring a stay by Sup Ct [US Supreme Court], & with my final nod, Utah will use most extreme power & execute a killer. Mourn his victims. Justice"

"We will be streaming live my press conference as soon as I'm told Gardner is dead. Watch it at www.attorneygeneral.Utah.gov/live.html"

File this Story Under "No Shit"

2010-06-20T23:48:00.000-04:00

Jerry Ferrara, aka Turtle, is game for an 'Entourage' movie'

Serious Journalism

2010-06-17T05:40:00.002-04:00

They crazy in the Middle East. In case you didn't already know. Apparently, they'll shoot you if you fuck with hummus.

The Choice Is Yours

2010-06-17T00:03:00.005-04:00

1) Get paid, Black Sheep, you deserve it. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing is the best. 2) Why are there hamsters? If indeed they're not guinea pigs or hyraxes or some other species. For real, can anyone explain the hamsters?

Sign One Trillion I'm Turning Into an Old Man

2010-06-16T10:46:00.002-04:00

I honestly don't know whose side to take. The majority of my day is spent thinking most people should get punched in the face for even smaller infractions - wearing the same color hat and shirt is a big one - so I'm leaning towards the cop. Is it so hard to cross the street correctly? On the other hand, cops probably have better ways to earn their pay? Oy vey, this was much easier when I was a teenager.

Obama's Space-Katrina (Getting A Jump On The RIght Wing)

2010-06-15T10:06:00.003-04:00

Why hasn't Obama done something about this? The warning signs are there and he has refused to act. I don't know if this is the socialist or the Hitler half of him not acting, but the government needs to do more to protect people from space.

Also, abolish taxes, and science is the devil.

"They Should Never Have Given Those [People] Money"

2010-06-15T01:41:00.009-04:00

Apparently, "Afghanistan is sitting on mineral resources worth $1 trillion," which is the equivalent of Saudi Arabia's oil wealth.
At first blush this seems like potentially great news. Maybe an influx of money could spur development and stability in Afghanistan.
Then again, look what all that oil money has bought: persecution of gays and women, breastmilk fatwa's, 9/11, and let us not forget the plethora of silly buildings.
Hey, here's an idea. Lets not interfere in the middle-east. After all, we don't have many cultural ties or much historical understanding of the region. We might end up being seen as greedy imperialists or, even worse, as invading crusaders. Best leave this one alone.

I Know You've Probably Seen This, But It Has to Be Here For The Record

2010-06-14T22:44:00.000-04:00

Italian politicians

2010-06-14T02:35:00.004-04:00

They aren't all scandalous, lecherous creeps. Some are just fascist hobbits.

2010-06-11T15:04:00.007-04:00

Twitter!

2010-06-10T01:56:00.000-04:00

Cackamasaurus has a twitter account. Email me if you want the password so you can tweet with the twits.

I Think She's Been Eating at Ye Olde Burger Barne

2010-06-10T01:15:00.006-04:00

OLD BRIDGE, N.J.

"I'm very healthy. I go to the doctor every three months," she said. And I go to chinatown every three months. Does that make me a chinaman?

With a Face Like That?

2010-06-10T00:57:00.000-04:00

Guess what. It gets creepier.

“the man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman"

2010-06-10T00:34:00.007-04:00

Never mind being raised in a viciously religious theocracy. Give a boy a Koran and enough free time, and his mind will inevitably go to titties. This "Milk Sheik" has nothing on Dave Chappelle when it comes to breast milk comedy though.

Chappelle's Show

Making the Band

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs

Black Comedy

True Hollywood Story

"I Blow Me"-Shooby Taylor

2010-06-05T20:23:00.000-04:00

Making The Impossible Possible

2010-06-05T17:28:00.005-04:00

The label "sellout" is almost nonsense in this postmodern world. But every once in a while it is actually applicable. Sir Elton John has managed to do it.

Also, is it only singers, actors, and other fancy types that become knights these days? I wonder if Sir Gawain would consider the writing of "Candle In The Wind" worthy of dubbing.

The Definition of Creepy (in picture form)

2010-06-05T16:36:00.002-04:00

"the parents motivation to get Aldi to quit wasn't ... from ... the risk to his health, but more from the cost"

2010-06-01T14:55:00.003-04:00

Could Jerry Be Right?

2010-06-01T09:53:00.005-04:00

I don't usually go for the "God is punishing you" theory of disastrous events (e.g. boobquake), however, this one looks like a hit job by the G-man himself. Volcano + Hurricane + Sinkhole, they must have angered God, Allah, and L. Ron.

"The trend isn't restricted to Minnesota"

2010-05-29T17:56:00.006-04:00

Not a joke.

Michael Jordan 1 Hitler 0

2010-05-27T00:48:00.002-04:00

Michael Jordan is the most competitive living human. He is notorious for holding grudges against anyone who even came close to doubting his abilities. He would go so far as to invent slights against him as a source of motivation. My question is, what asshole told him "even you couldn't pull off a Hilter moustache?"

If There's Any Justice, The Bull Will Get Fancy-Pants' Paycheck

2010-05-22T13:36:00.002-04:00

The 'Stash

2010-05-17T00:55:00.005-04:00

2010-05-12T02:20:00.003-04:00

Life is tough

2010-04-26T08:34:00.002-04:00

Put things into perspective. Some people out there are really suffering.

Let Us Never Forget

2010-04-20T16:32:00.009-04:00

Right-wing, fundamentalist, retardo-Christians don't have a monopoly on stupidity. Apparently God (Allah) quit doing miracles a long time ago and all he has left is random smiting of the already oppressed. Dick move God. Dick move.

Have cackamasaurus readers seen these pictures?

2010-04-17T21:55:00.003-04:00

This does zero to diminish my longstanding yearning to wake up tomorrow in Iceland. The geography/geology are from a map on the front leaf of a fantasy novel, and everyone is attractive and/or Bjork.

Fuck a Goddam Tomato

2010-04-17T02:38:00.000-04:00

For a few years now I thought that Rotten Tomatoes was maybe worth not taking a deuce on. Well ... no. 31% are you fucking kidding me!? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCKYOU!