Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Awesome new video

Dear Jewel, I love your new video! It is soooo funny, definitely WAY more funny than die. When you put on brown hair, and a big hooked nose, and padded out your waist and butt and stuff? I was like, that is RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY, because everyone knows that you are blonde, and have small facial features, and are on the cover of Shape Magazine in a bikini this month talking about how someone called you chubby once and that made you sad and therefore everyone should love their body but most importantly demonstrating that you are TOTALLY NOT chubby anymore AT ALL. An unexpected contrast - that's what makes something funny.

And then when you started to sing, and your voice sounded like a professional singer? Everyone was like nuh-UH, it doesn't even make any sense that someone who looks like that could have a good voice! You took it beyond funny to mind-blowing! Commenters on Jezebel were tearing up like you were the second coming of Susan Boyle.

I think it could have been EVEN funnier though. Here's my idea - Instead of calling yourself 'Karen,' you should have gone with 'Jewess' - get it? Jewel / Jewess? I think your new audiences would really have appreciated that. But whatever, we all got what you meant anyway, like with that giant Jew nose you put on and then pointed to!!!! Hahaha I was rolling on the floor laughing, as they say!

But then I got kind of serious, thinking about the deeper message. I mean there are actual people, somewhere out there, who have big, knobby noses, and BROWN hair (I know, ew, I can barely stand it), and a gross mooshy butt that like, jiggles all over the place when they get out of the shower and oh my god wouldn't you just want to DIE if that was you???? And some of them have to work in offices selling things? Can you imagine? It is just so... sad. I almost stopped rolling on the floor and then I was just kind of laughing.

I know that YOU live on a ranch in Texas, Jewel, and that is because you have a graceful soul that can only live in big outdoorsy places, a songwritery soul full of songs that yearn to be free, songs that could never sell frozen foods like 'Karen' does, only razors. And instead of sitting on that ever-expanding butt (or should I say tush, because, again, come on, JEWESSES) in a stuffy, sad, climate-controlled office, you are probably out clearing brush, because you are Country now I think?, or if not that, then posing in a bikini on Miami Beach, because that seems pretty simple to do, and what's simple is true.

And it's like, maybe all those people have a pretty thin blonde lady who writes poems, like INSIDE them? Like a JEWEL. Like a DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH. Inside them. And you are just doing a service to all those people, by being the physical manifestation of the pretty and famous person they all want to be. And in the video you not only allow brown-haired people to be around you (did you touch them??? I hope not Jewel), but you show them that anyone can do anything, no matter what they look like. Well, OK, you do not show them that, because then you come back into the karaoke bar without The Nose and reveal that you are Jewel, the blonde singer, who by the way has a new album coming out. But still, it must be pretty inspirational for those kinds of people to learn that Jewel can sound JUST LIKE Jewel, even while wearing glasses.

Funny or Die? More like funny or DEEP.

P.S. Karen is totally an ugly-girl name, so still a pretty good choice. And of course that goes for all variations on its spelling.


Kam said...

She did say she was excited to have a butt for the first time. Which what all skinny celebrities say when they put on a fat suit. Why is this not the first time this has happened? I think its a common pastime among the skinny rich.

Olivia Weber-Stenis said...

Inner beauty is best represented by Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit. Evil whorishness by Charlize Theron with fake teeth. Ordinary regular girlness by Jennifer Aniston with grown-out roots and taupe lipstick. It's called stretching. If you can't deal with beautiful famous people being all humble and creative, I don't know what to tell you.

Olivia Weber-Stenis said...

What would be even funnier is if Natalie Portman dressed up as a Jewess!

Porchnik said...

Look Weberstenis, stop bragging about your fancy actress friends from fancy Los Angeleeze! We are salt of the earth types here at cackamasaurus!
I seriously think you should pitch that Natalie Portman idea to Funny or Die though. They would definitely do it.

Olivia Weber-Stenis said...

Damn, my real name shows up here? My celeb friends will be so mad at me! I better hide out on the prairie for a while....

Porchnik said...

Seriously. Pick a like, really obscure mid-sized city. I think you can also make an alias if you edit your Blogger settings.