Thursday, July 29, 2010

Monday, July 26, 2010

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Where's Dershowitz Now?

Dear Professor Dershowitz,

I understand that you can't help every murderer and child molester that comes along, but I promise you that if you get me off, you'll seal the deal as the greatest defense attorney of all time.

It wouldn't even be that hard.  You could just use the playbook from the Epstein case. I basically did a lot of the same stuff, with the importing of children from overseas to have sex with and all.

What does a child rapist have to do to get some pro-bono up in this piece?

Kevin Ricks

Thursday, July 22, 2010

A question for the Oklahoma City readership

Visit for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Can you recommend a store that stocks some PRO-secular socialist siding, windows, and roofing? That's more what I'm in the market for these days.

Add This One To The "No-Shit" File

"workers on the Deepwater Horizon ... feared reprisals if they reported mistakes or other problems."

2 Live Crew Should Stay Away From Israel

"He told reporters that he is known by friends and family by the nickname Dudu, which is more commonly used by Jews called David."

You're Not Helping

In case you are not familiar with Alan Dershowitz, he is the "legal genius" that helped free O.J. back in the middle-ages (which is the modern term for the mid-nineties).  A few months ago Al (as I call him), in response to some Catholic dude's crazy rant about how "the jewish media" is to blame all the priest child rape hubub, took on the Catholic Church for being anti-semitic.  

Though making this point is as redundant as calling Henry Ford "anti-Chevy," sometimes it is useful to restate the obvious.  

I only wish that Al had thought back to his first year in law school and adopted the unclean hands doctrine to his public discourse - which basically says don't talk shit if you're covered in shit.  Why, you ask, am I comparing Al to a steaming pile of shit? 

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It Must Be Hard For The Tea Baggers

Not the part where they got Shirley Sherrod fired by editing her comments, turning a story about overcoming racial animosity into a story about how she herself is a racist.

Rather, the fact that by bringing light on how the Roger Sooner's family farm was saved by big government (not the eponymous website that "broke" the video) with the help of "friend for life" Shirley Sherrod, they are forced to acknowledge the fact that white people can be welfare recipients too.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Front page news and important scientific discoveries.

In my office, one is expected to be well-informed and to participate in intelligent conversation based on the big news stories of the day. You bet we are all well-versed in the latest on the Polish presidency and the kidnapping of Iranian scientists and the like. This article, which appeared smack in the middle of the front page of the New York Times website this morning (Paris time) was today's main topic of conversation, and I found I was able to add some pertinent insight into the subject thanks to this BBC article. Thank goodness it's so easy to turn to major news sources for quick access to important world news.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Awesome new video

Dear Jewel, I love your new video! It is soooo funny, definitely WAY more funny than die. When you put on brown hair, and a big hooked nose, and padded out your waist and butt and stuff? I was like, that is RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY, because everyone knows that you are blonde, and have small facial features, and are on the cover of Shape Magazine in a bikini this month talking about how someone called you chubby once and that made you sad and therefore everyone should love their body but most importantly demonstrating that you are TOTALLY NOT chubby anymore AT ALL. An unexpected contrast - that's what makes something funny.

And then when you started to sing, and your voice sounded like a professional singer? Everyone was like nuh-UH, it doesn't even make any sense that someone who looks like that could have a good voice! You took it beyond funny to mind-blowing! Commenters on Jezebel were tearing up like you were the second coming of Susan Boyle.

I think it could have been EVEN funnier though. Here's my idea - Instead of calling yourself 'Karen,' you should have gone with 'Jewess' - get it? Jewel / Jewess? I think your new audiences would really have appreciated that. But whatever, we all got what you meant anyway, like with that giant Jew nose you put on and then pointed to!!!! Hahaha I was rolling on the floor laughing, as they say!

But then I got kind of serious, thinking about the deeper message. I mean there are actual people, somewhere out there, who have big, knobby noses, and BROWN hair (I know, ew, I can barely stand it), and a gross mooshy butt that like, jiggles all over the place when they get out of the shower and oh my god wouldn't you just want to DIE if that was you???? And some of them have to work in offices selling things? Can you imagine? It is just so... sad. I almost stopped rolling on the floor and then I was just kind of laughing.

I know that YOU live on a ranch in Texas, Jewel, and that is because you have a graceful soul that can only live in big outdoorsy places, a songwritery soul full of songs that yearn to be free, songs that could never sell frozen foods like 'Karen' does, only razors. And instead of sitting on that ever-expanding butt (or should I say tush, because, again, come on, JEWESSES) in a stuffy, sad, climate-controlled office, you are probably out clearing brush, because you are Country now I think?, or if not that, then posing in a bikini on Miami Beach, because that seems pretty simple to do, and what's simple is true.

And it's like, maybe all those people have a pretty thin blonde lady who writes poems, like INSIDE them? Like a JEWEL. Like a DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH. Inside them. And you are just doing a service to all those people, by being the physical manifestation of the pretty and famous person they all want to be. And in the video you not only allow brown-haired people to be around you (did you touch them??? I hope not Jewel), but you show them that anyone can do anything, no matter what they look like. Well, OK, you do not show them that, because then you come back into the karaoke bar without The Nose and reveal that you are Jewel, the blonde singer, who by the way has a new album coming out. But still, it must be pretty inspirational for those kinds of people to learn that Jewel can sound JUST LIKE Jewel, even while wearing glasses.

Funny or Die? More like funny or DEEP.

P.S. Karen is totally an ugly-girl name, so still a pretty good choice. And of course that goes for all variations on its spelling.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Only After Being Told He Couldn't Coach the All-Star Team Exclusively

You can't cry to the media when you don't get the last muffin at breakfast, so retirement didn't suit him. Maybe coach the Harlem Globetrotters? They've got a pretty winning record and the book you write bashing them can be called The Last Season (I Coached the Biggest Assholes in Basketball, So This Is a Little Better, But I'm Still the Single Biggest Asshole in Basketball). Or is that title too long to fit on the spine?

Putting the "Killer" Into The Whale

If I had to spend years in SeaWorld, or Florida, I would probably become a psycho killer too. At least this time they didn't kill the poor beast - turns out it's worth too much.