Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I Hope The Ambulance Didn't ...

Rush, Limbaugh that is, has been taken to a hawaiian hospital with chest pains.  I wonder if  the Kenyan, I mean Hawaiian, doctors will be able to help the morbidly obese, pill popper.

Finally The "War" on Terror Gets Sexy

First Al Qaeda came out with their new line of lingerie;

Then airport security responded with "full-frontal security."

This almost gave Dick "not healthy enough for sexual activity" Cheney a boner.

Roland S. Howard

R.I.P. guitar player for best band ever.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Retarded Terrorists Beware

The TSA is all up in your ass (or at least they should be). Unfortunately, the response to the underpants bomber seems to have been totally useless at best and brain-explodingly annoying at worst.  Here are a few of the new rules that the geniuses at the TSA have come up with:

If people actually didn't get up from their seats, captain pants on fire probably would have actually exploded his bomb instead of backdrafting his johnson.

Also, isn't bringing a bomb on a plane already against the rules? So why make up more rules when we know rules only affect people who don't want to break them (i.e. non-terrorists).  This "public school" approach to anti-terrorism, will probably end up working as well as our public schools.

    Point A: If There Truly is a Separation of Church and State...

    ...then it would seem that legally an atheist display should be permitted at a capital building and a nativity scene shouldn't. There's a much more complex argument out there, of course, but what's really important is point B.

    Point B: You must read this until the last sentence.

    Sunday, December 27, 2009

    Kid eBay

    (This is the 666th post, btw)

    Good call on the Best Show on WFMU shout out in the blog section, Van Dyke. If you don't have the patience to sift through the archives, here's the best 33:20 of the Best Show. In fact, it may be the best 33:20 of anything ever. A little background, written by my friend no less.

    Saturday, December 26, 2009

    Friday, December 25, 2009

    I Like Any Story About " a self-proclaimed scientist"

    Who could have imagined that in the hubbub surrounding September 11th someone figured out they could defraud the government with bogus "intelligence." This article explains how one dude sold the CIA bogus software.  I only wonder how many poor bastards got sent to BFE to be tortured to death on homeboys account.

    Wednesday, December 23, 2009

    Tuesday, December 22, 2009

    Did You Ever Wonder Why All The Terminators Were White?

    Simple answer. To robots, black people don't exist - because computers can't actually see black people (maybe this explains the GOP).  This also means that black people are safe from the coming Robo-pocalypse.

    Who's gonna fight the race war now?
    White people?
    I doubt it.

    If You Like a Good Failure Story

    Here is a classic.

    I Know Its Not Healthy to Pay Attention To What Congressmen Say, But ...

    "It's thousands of times bigger than Watergate
    "the largest corruption crisis in the history of America."

    I kinda can't fathom this.  Much like my reaction to the Chuck Norris position on healthcare, my mind just shuts down when I read this stuff.  Am I going crazy? Are these people half-retarded aliens from a distant Galaxy?  Or do they simply use different dictionaries than the rest of us? 

    I'll go with the last option as it is the only way for me to go to sleep without a headache.  Yes, a different dictionary where "Watergate" means "Paul Blart: Mall Cop," and "corruption" means "pimp-inspired-investigative-attack-journalism."  And, just to be safe, i'm assuming that "history of America" is referring to the summer of '09. Glad that's settled.  Goodnight.

    Monday, December 21, 2009

    Isn't There Already a Holiday Dedicated to Jesus' Torture and Death?

    I guess we'd better cover our bases

    Why you so thin, Mikhail Ivanovich

    Perez Hilton, just another Stalin wannabe?

    Sunday, December 20, 2009

    1/2 az obit

    "2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine. My deepest condolences go out 2 Brittany's family, her husband & her amazing mother Sharon."

    Mission Accomplished!

    We beat last-year's total # of posts.  Big - ups to the new contributors!  I predict 2010 will be the most prolific year yet.

    Saturday, December 19, 2009

    Pragmatism: Or Why The Army is Smarter Than the Pope, and Congress is Still Dumb as Bricks

    We got a bunch of "boys and girls" fighting, and dying, and, yes, fucking, in Afghanistan and Iraq.

    "Tell me something I don't know."

    Well, did you know that a soldier can be court martialed for being pregnant? Some General has decided that he is sick of losing good soldiers to the stork and he wants to up the punishment for getting knocked up - Preggos used to get sent home (hardly a punishment if you're in the 'stan). For the sake of fairness, he roped in the dude what done it for punishment as well. The Army is also savvy enough (though not infallible) to provide condoms and teach soldiers how to use them (hear that Bristol?). These seems like tough, but pragmatic solutions to a real problem, except for one thing...

    Oh yeah,  it's illegal for the Army medical service to give a soldier an abortion! Yep. Congress does it again. Stupid, and cruel, yet counter-productive.

    Barack Obama tried to abort Jesus.

    Chuck Norris breaks down the most important reason to oppose health care reform:

    "Lastly, as we near the eve of another Christmas, I wonder: What would have happened if Mother Mary had been covered by Obamacare? What if that young, poor and uninsured teenage woman had been provided the federal funds (via Obamacare) and facilities (via Planned Parenthood, etc.) to avoid the ridicule, ostracizing, persecution and possible stoning because of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy? Imagine all the great souls who could have been erased from history and the influence of mankind if their parents had been as progressive as Washington's wise men and women! Will Obamacare morph into Herodcare for the unborn?"

    To be fair, Herodcare was probably terrible. Herod himself died of "a fever, though not a raging fever, an intolerable itching of the whole skin, continuous pains in the intestines, tumors of the feet as in dropsy, inflamation of the abdomen, and gangrene of the privy parts." Also - asthma, limb convulsions, and foul breath.

    A Classic Performance for ChristMAS

    "Favorite things"

    WWTD | MySpace Video

    Thursday, December 17, 2009

    Who Made Who?

    You know what, I've seen both Transformer movies and they suck shit. I ask you this, what about Maximum Overdrive? Totally awesome. Starring Repo Man and Lisa Simpson.

    Turns out, Oral Roberts doesn't live up to his name.

    Warning: this is very, very sexy.

    Monday, December 14, 2009

    Doc, give it to me straight.

    Very well, but I'm afraid the diagnosis is not good.

    Sunday, December 13, 2009

    Evolution of the Whale

    There is No Hope

    All the gay mayors in Texas can't save us from impending doom.  I hope that global warming really is a hoax.  The only problem is that the ice-shelves don't seem to get it.  Stupid ice-shelves, they must be Democrats.

    Maybe There is Hope

    This happened in Texas.  Then again so did this.  And this.  And this.


    Please enjoy;

    Saturday, December 12, 2009

    Consider Giving

    Charity is especially important during this CHRISTmas season.

    Fishing Show Bloopers

    Food Party

    Friday, December 11, 2009

    "Jersey Shore" is Racist Against Orange People

    Alyssa "classy" Milano is not happy about the portrayal of Italian-Americans.
    Others are so angry that they have threatened MTV producers (I assume via dead fish).

    My CHRISTmas List

    1. Something Deadly
    2. Something Musical
    3. Something Spiritual

    Competition for Seagal's New Show


    = American Ninja Warrior

    Tuesday, December 08, 2009

    Sunday, December 06, 2009

    Sarah Palin Should Lose Her Thumbs And Her Pinkies For Throwing Shakas Pt. II

    I wrote a lil posty other day on thee CACK about how much of a bum-out Obama is being with his stupid ass extension of WWNAM, but he's way better than that fuckface Sarah Palin, who seems hell bent on retrieving the horn to awaken the god Dagoth and to fill the days left on the planet with crappy winter solstice Wasila weather for good. I wrote some mean shit about the ex-governor/future ork queen, then got all paranoid that I'd bum out some of my allies with some of my shit talk, and then proceeded to go back and edit out some of the more passionate oratory (like "I hope when she's out jogging a musk ox with twenty eight days later disease comes and dances an arctic riverdance upon her fucking face," as well as implying that some haole (to the MAX!!!!) girl who spent one collegiate quarter at Univ. of Hawai'i Hilo in the eighties didnt have no aloha cred to be throwing the shaka to her shithead masses).

    Even though she's now the apparent grand dragon of white power shittiness, the rhetoric I utilized undercut my main argument that world peace can only be achieved through love and understanding and cool headed-ness, much like the argument for Obama of not being the guy who destroys the universe is undercut by him destroying the universe.

    I logged back into thee CACK and deleted some of the more inflammatory text as my mom will probably read it at some point and I didn't want the dear matriarch to be cross at me because I called this woman who could give no more than two hardened mongoose shits about me dear mum a "beyatch" (it was my mom's birthday yesterday so happy 42nd to you babe!) My mama didn't toil and toil and toil and toil to raise me to be a misogynist so I instead inserted some lukewarm Evergreen crap about how the ex-Gov. is a capable human being (a lie i tell you!), and that my undying hatred for all that she stands for is not because she's a female human but because she's an out and out racist crusader (the truf!!!!), and blah blah blah blah the reason I really think she sucks is cuz she behaves like a third grade shitstarter that even with a precocious eight year old prescience you know this fucker is gonna make everyone around her miserable in the future.

    But today is a new day and the sissy restraint that I employed the other day is as they say in the Aloha State "pau". Why? Read this, or better yet lemme paraphrase- Sarah Palin allegedly didn't like Hawai'i because of all the Asians and Pacific Islanders aka locals. Are you f'n full o' kiddin? Or wot?

    Whoa there was I wrong about one thing. I surmised aloud in my aforementioned deleted text that the reason why she could only handle a couple months on the Big Is. was that she didnt do her damn homework and read the first two sentences in any travel book about Hilo and realize that it fuckin rains there, Ay-Lot. I said something meany like she was probably too much of a ding dong to do the necessary fact checking to realize that Hilo isn't Waikiki or Lahaina or Poipu where there is abundant sunshine and white sand beaches and pliable manservants for an academically ambitious eighteen year old beer bonger.

    But check out this lil gem from her bestselling novel: "Hawaii was a little too perfect," Palin writes. "Perpetual sunshine isn't necessarily conductive to serious academics for eighteen-year-old Alaska girls." YOU LIE!!!

    Newsflash phony! It rains in Hilo more than any other city in America! The black sand beaches there suck if you are not into fishing and diving and almost drowning (my fave kine- I find laying on a towel for hours on end BOR-ing)! They got a great Saturday market, but basically the whole town shuts down at like 8pm.

    I know why you couldn't hack it now in Hilo. There is no Aryan Brotherhood Chapter or Friends of Valhalla or Stop the Revisionist History of WWII Internment Guild at the University. Hilo rulz!

    And lastly you are no kaku. I like them and they are purty. And although they may take a chunk out of you if you swim too close, they aren't trying to start a race war. And they won't shoot wolves from a chopper. Or hate on locals.

    Aloha. Let love prevail. And keep shaking hands with the mortally obese at the Borders in Firebaugh.

    Shine On Me

    Friday, December 04, 2009

    Poor Old Boys

    It's never fun to be in the club once they start letting everyone in.

    But can anyone else woo, hust or rubbish quite like an old white man?

    Sarah Palin shouldn't throw the shaka anymore

    Fuck I got into a goddamn windbagged conversation about Obama at the bar last night. Sucks for my single homeys because arguing about our prez basically creates a radial horniness disorder that bumbacloths any potential one night stand that could be garnered from any human females in the establishment- chicks dont wanna hear about this shit they wanna hear about themselves and how rad they are- which is fine with me I'm happily and cosmically married so I'll talk as much shit as I want loud and proud (mahalo babe!!!!)- but finally (and it only took ten months) I was the guy in the bar saying fuck Obama with both hands and to his motherfucking face and there was only half a pint in me and no liqs at all. But I'm still fired up- ready to go- today like that stupid campaign speech about the golden girl campaign volunteer that has been repeated as much as Thriller circa 82 and 09.

    I'm not on the Obama is a NOB bandwagon because I think he's heavy into Islam (I could really give a fuck and I would prefer that than the pillsbury Mormon vibration), or he's a reptilian from Kenya (whatever eat us V-people I could give a fuck- hope you like a lil ganja marinade) , or any of that horseshit about how he's some puppet (Don't look at me) to finally set up the microchip debit card implants for the Rockerfellers. HORSESHIT. I think he sucks because he's a warmonger now when he came out like he wasn't. And "his" decision is gonna bite us in the ass like sashime cobra.

    I take that shit personally because the whole election was like the dopest sports event of all time, that the whole family could really enjoy. I happened to live in Hawai'i during the last presidential cycle, and like anyone else who fears the reaper I was checking Huffingtonpost every 2.7 minutes to see if this brotha could pull it off. In case you havent heard Obama is (allegedly) from the lovely city of Honolulu on the island of O'ahu, so I was taking my then-thirteen-year-old kiddo against his will to the caucus so he could witness the wonderful Whitmanesque realization of participatory democracy and support the ka'amaina candidate. We watched the debates together as a family as I prepared our cush bunker in case evil prevailed. My dog Gregor would bark at McCain everytime he'd lurch around all aggro on the telly like the geezer needed a lei of garlic and zero gauge toothpick through his millenial heart. I liked how Obama would kinda rope a dope and everyone would be mortified that Obama didnt have what it took to overthrow Mordor, but then he'd get all aikido keep his one point and next thing you knew- clean wristlock! He wasn't groping around all nasty staphy bloody on the floor with this ancient like Vanderlay Silva versus Mandusa- Obama was calm, dignified, all the good qualities you look for in a messiah. And I'll tell ya I was all misty when he won. Mega misty. Strong men do cry.

    And yes hes doing more good than any president- whupdedoo. And yes give him more time- bro take the next century for all I cares. And boo feckin hoo I don't know how hard it is to be the prez of the free world because I'm a lowly wage slave and I heart weed. I hear what my homies are saying, about a gradual change in the way this contrarian country is maintained.

    But this Afghanusstan bollocks really pisses me off. I mean what the fuck? I thought that was your opening on Sen. Clinton, that she was a douchey hawk that supported WWIII while you were the avatar of critical thinking and cool-headedness? Believe me Barry if you would have looked into the camera at the debates and said I'll personally shove a grenade up anyone's ass in the world who tries to fuck with us, I probably woulda been a lil creeped out, but I woulda been down as long as we were actually bailing on two shitty wars. I mean the whole point of putting in you in the feckin executive chamber in the first place is that you were an anti-war candidate and you were gonna at least slow down the march to interstellar incineration. But we got played. Support our traps. Hear me now believe me later- the war is gonna expand or some American shariah piece of work is gonna slip into power because Barack Obama is telling his base to fuck off.

    I watched his lame ass speech at West Point the other day and all I could think about when he was name dropping his photo opportunities at Dover when the dozen or so corpses cruzed back home and how he visited the maimed at Walter Reed was 1) why aren't you making a speech in front of an auditorium of the limbless and the dead instead of the future limbless and dead, and 2) why aren't you making this speech in front of a crowd of civilians who actually had your back and aren't the racist pieces of orkan fecality that think you are eviler than da evil wizard in Time Bandits and 3) you sound remarkably like asshole #1 G-Dubs which makes you sound like an asshole and in turn makes all of us who give a fuck about actually making it past 2050 look like assholes for believing that you were the vanguard of all that sappy kumbayah bukkake. You had some explaining to do and for all your oratory talents you Buellered the American people with a speech left out on the Behind Enemy Lines 3 editing floor. We wanted you to stop this shit immediately.

    And to be sure, I'm gonna have to vote for El Presidente again or bum out because of Palin cuz looks like Hucklebee is outski, and who else- Glen Beck. As I think Obama is fuckin it up for everyone cuz his ego has gotten so swollen and bulbous because everyone has been psychically fellatiating him for the past three years I think Sarah Palin mass sucks. It's not cuz she's incapable, or female, it's cuz she's a bitch ass shit starter. That makes her against peace.

    Honestly I wish only the worst for her. I read today she was footsying around challenging Obama's birth certificate. Next to the article was a picture of her throwing the shaka. And so, lo and behold I gotta stick up for my prez because I hate these peckerwoods even more than I fear thee world dystrophy to come:

    Look you white devil. You are no wahine so knock it off with that shit. Especially after implying that this asshole president of ours wasn't born in Hawaii when he was. You weren't even born in Alaska, Idaho.

    But to be honest I've seen Obama throw a shaka like a poseur too, the weird pig dick handjob shaka that only people on the mainland do. So maybe he actually is a secret Sufi Al-Qaeda hashishin Bamphomet mass reptilian assassin after all. Either way the big takeover continues. We shouldn't be fighting.

    Thursday, December 03, 2009

    Remember racism? Glad that's over.

    "Republican voting expert" is one of the more sinister job titles out there. When a Republican voting expert is not expertly administering a poll tax or a swift blow to the skull, he's arguing in court that voter suppression should be allowed, now that the "political landscape ha[s] shifted, with African-Americans serving as president and attorney general."

    Good point, "expert." Racism doesn't exist anymore.

    Beatles or Stones?


    Why I want to go to Libya

    It looks like this.

    May never get a visa, though. Which is too bad, because apparently Qaddafi's parties are divine.

    "Our lives have been destroyed, everything we've worked for"

    Please let her quote be the first true thing she's ever said. Also, WTF have you worked for? A fake cheerleading career? Or a show that doesn't even exist?

    RE: "Is Nothing Sacred?" and "HEY FATTY!"

    Rosa Parks was not a scam.  This was.

    Fatties, please return to Peru if you so please.

    Wednesday, December 02, 2009

    Public Service Announcement

    To any of you cackamasaurus readers out there who are considering butt surgery: don't do it. Your butt is fine. Seriously, it looks good. If you're really that worried about it, I endorse this safe alternative.