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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I Hope The Ambulance Didn't ...

Rush, Limbaugh that is, has been taken to a hawaiian hospital with chest pains.  I wonder if  the Kenyan, I mean Hawaiian, doctors will be able to help the morbidly obese, pill popper.

Finally The "War" on Terror Gets Sexy

First Al Qaeda came out with their new line of lingerie;





Then airport security responded with "full-frontal security."












This almost gave Dick "not healthy enough for sexual activity" Cheney a boner.

Roland S. Howard

R.I.P. guitar player for best band ever.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Retarded Terrorists Beware

The TSA is all up in your ass (or at least they should be). Unfortunately, the response to the underpants bomber seems to have been totally useless at best and brain-explodingly annoying at worst.  Here are a few of the new rules that the geniuses at the TSA have come up with:


If people actually didn't get up from their seats, captain pants on fire probably would have actually exploded his bomb instead of backdrafting his johnson.

Also, isn't bringing a bomb on a plane already against the rules? So why make up more rules when we know rules only affect people who don't want to break them (i.e. non-terrorists).  This "public school" approach to anti-terrorism, will probably end up working as well as our public schools.

    Point A: If There Truly is a Separation of Church and State...

    ...then it would seem that legally an atheist display should be permitted at a capital building and a nativity scene shouldn't. There's a much more complex argument out there, of course, but what's really important is point B.

    Point B: You must read this until the last sentence.

    Sunday, December 27, 2009

    Kid eBay


    (This is the 666th post, btw)

    Good call on the Best Show on WFMU shout out in the blog section, Van Dyke. If you don't have the patience to sift through the archives, here's the best 33:20 of the Best Show. In fact, it may be the best 33:20 of anything ever. A little background, written by my friend no less.

    Saturday, December 26, 2009

    Friday, December 25, 2009

    I Like Any Story About " a self-proclaimed scientist"

    Who could have imagined that in the hubbub surrounding September 11th someone figured out they could defraud the government with bogus "intelligence." This article explains how one dude sold the CIA bogus software.  I only wonder how many poor bastards got sent to BFE to be tortured to death on homeboys account.

    Wednesday, December 23, 2009

    Tuesday, December 22, 2009

    Did You Ever Wonder Why All The Terminators Were White?

    Simple answer. To robots, black people don't exist - because computers can't actually see black people (maybe this explains the GOP).  This also means that black people are safe from the coming Robo-pocalypse.

    Who's gonna fight the race war now?
    White people?
    I doubt it.

    If You Like a Good Failure Story

    Here is a classic.

    I Know Its Not Healthy to Pay Attention To What Congressmen Say, But ...

    "It's thousands of times bigger than Watergate
    "the largest corruption crisis in the history of America."


    I kinda can't fathom this.  Much like my reaction to the Chuck Norris position on healthcare, my mind just shuts down when I read this stuff.  Am I going crazy? Are these people half-retarded aliens from a distant Galaxy?  Or do they simply use different dictionaries than the rest of us? 

    I'll go with the last option as it is the only way for me to go to sleep without a headache.  Yes, a different dictionary where "Watergate" means "Paul Blart: Mall Cop," and "corruption" means "pimp-inspired-investigative-attack-journalism."  And, just to be safe, i'm assuming that "history of America" is referring to the summer of '09. Glad that's settled.  Goodnight.


    Monday, December 21, 2009

    Isn't There Already a Holiday Dedicated to Jesus' Torture and Death?

    I guess we'd better cover our bases

    Why you so thin, Mikhail Ivanovich

    Perez Hilton, just another Stalin wannabe?

    Sunday, December 20, 2009

    1/2 az obit

    "2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine. My deepest condolences go out 2 Brittany's family, her husband & her amazing mother Sharon."

    Mission Accomplished!

    We beat last-year's total # of posts.  Big - ups to the new contributors!  I predict 2010 will be the most prolific year yet.

    Saturday, December 19, 2009

    Pragmatism: Or Why The Army is Smarter Than the Pope, and Congress is Still Dumb as Bricks

    We got a bunch of "boys and girls" fighting, and dying, and, yes, fucking, in Afghanistan and Iraq.

    "Tell me something I don't know."

    Well, did you know that a soldier can be court martialed for being pregnant? Some General has decided that he is sick of losing good soldiers to the stork and he wants to up the punishment for getting knocked up - Preggos used to get sent home (hardly a punishment if you're in the 'stan). For the sake of fairness, he roped in the dude what done it for punishment as well. The Army is also savvy enough (though not infallible) to provide condoms and teach soldiers how to use them (hear that Bristol?). These seems like tough, but pragmatic solutions to a real problem, except for one thing...

    Oh yeah,  it's illegal for the Army medical service to give a soldier an abortion! Yep. Congress does it again. Stupid, and cruel, yet counter-productive.

    Barack Obama tried to abort Jesus.

    Chuck Norris breaks down the most important reason to oppose health care reform:

    "Lastly, as we near the eve of another Christmas, I wonder: What would have happened if Mother Mary had been covered by Obamacare? What if that young, poor and uninsured teenage woman had been provided the federal funds (via Obamacare) and facilities (via Planned Parenthood, etc.) to avoid the ridicule, ostracizing, persecution and possible stoning because of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy? Imagine all the great souls who could have been erased from history and the influence of mankind if their parents had been as progressive as Washington's wise men and women! Will Obamacare morph into Herodcare for the unborn?"

    To be fair, Herodcare was probably terrible. Herod himself died of "a fever, though not a raging fever, an intolerable itching of the whole skin, continuous pains in the intestines, tumors of the feet as in dropsy, inflamation of the abdomen, and gangrene of the privy parts." Also - asthma, limb convulsions, and foul breath.

    A Classic Performance for ChristMAS


    "Favorite things"

    WWTD | MySpace Video

    Thursday, December 17, 2009

    Who Made Who?

    You know what, I've seen both Transformer movies and they suck shit. I ask you this, what about Maximum Overdrive? Totally awesome. Starring Repo Man and Lisa Simpson.

    Turns out, Oral Roberts doesn't live up to his name.

    Warning: this is very, very sexy.

    Monday, December 14, 2009

    Doc, give it to me straight.

    Very well, but I'm afraid the diagnosis is not good.

    Sunday, December 13, 2009

    Evolution of the Whale


    There is No Hope

    All the gay mayors in Texas can't save us from impending doom.  I hope that global warming really is a hoax.  The only problem is that the ice-shelves don't seem to get it.  Stupid ice-shelves, they must be Democrats.

    Maybe There is Hope

    This happened in Texas.  Then again so did this.  And this.  And this.


    Yes

    Please enjoy;

    Saturday, December 12, 2009

    Consider Giving




    Charity is especially important during this CHRISTmas season.







    Fishing Show Bloopers

    Food Party

    Friday, December 11, 2009

    "Jersey Shore" is Racist Against Orange People

    Alyssa "classy" Milano is not happy about the portrayal of Italian-Americans.
    Others are so angry that they have threatened MTV producers (I assume via dead fish).



    My CHRISTmas List

    1. Something Deadly
    2. Something Musical
    3. Something Spiritual

    Competition for Seagal's New Show

      


    = American Ninja Warrior

    Tuesday, December 08, 2009

    Sunday, December 06, 2009

    Sarah Palin Should Lose Her Thumbs And Her Pinkies For Throwing Shakas Pt. II


    I wrote a lil posty other day on thee CACK about how much of a bum-out Obama is being with his stupid ass extension of WWNAM, but he's way better than that fuckface Sarah Palin, who seems hell bent on retrieving the horn to awaken the god Dagoth and to fill the days left on the planet with crappy winter solstice Wasila weather for good. I wrote some mean shit about the ex-governor/future ork queen, then got all paranoid that I'd bum out some of my allies with some of my shit talk, and then proceeded to go back and edit out some of the more passionate oratory (like "I hope when she's out jogging a musk ox with twenty eight days later disease comes and dances an arctic riverdance upon her fucking face," as well as implying that some haole (to the MAX!!!!) girl who spent one collegiate quarter at Univ. of Hawai'i Hilo in the eighties didnt have no aloha cred to be throwing the shaka to her shithead masses).

    Even though she's now the apparent grand dragon of white power shittiness, the rhetoric I utilized undercut my main argument that world peace can only be achieved through love and understanding and cool headed-ness, much like the argument for Obama of not being the guy who destroys the universe is undercut by him destroying the universe.

    I logged back into thee CACK and deleted some of the more inflammatory text as my mom will probably read it at some point and I didn't want the dear matriarch to be cross at me because I called this woman who could give no more than two hardened mongoose shits about me dear mum a "beyatch" (it was my mom's birthday yesterday so happy 42nd to you babe!) My mama didn't toil and toil and toil and toil to raise me to be a misogynist so I instead inserted some lukewarm Evergreen crap about how the ex-Gov. is a capable human being (a lie i tell you!), and that my undying hatred for all that she stands for is not because she's a female human but because she's an out and out racist crusader (the truf!!!!), and blah blah blah blah the reason I really think she sucks is cuz she behaves like a third grade shitstarter that even with a precocious eight year old prescience you know this fucker is gonna make everyone around her miserable in the future.

    But today is a new day and the sissy restraint that I employed the other day is as they say in the Aloha State "pau". Why? Read this, or better yet lemme paraphrase- Sarah Palin allegedly didn't like Hawai'i because of all the Asians and Pacific Islanders aka locals. Are you f'n full o' kiddin? Or wot?

    Whoa there was I wrong about one thing. I surmised aloud in my aforementioned deleted text that the reason why she could only handle a couple months on the Big Is. was that she didnt do her damn homework and read the first two sentences in any travel book about Hilo and realize that it fuckin rains there, Ay-Lot. I said something meany like she was probably too much of a ding dong to do the necessary fact checking to realize that Hilo isn't Waikiki or Lahaina or Poipu where there is abundant sunshine and white sand beaches and pliable manservants for an academically ambitious eighteen year old beer bonger.

    But check out this lil gem from her bestselling novel: "Hawaii was a little too perfect," Palin writes. "Perpetual sunshine isn't necessarily conductive to serious academics for eighteen-year-old Alaska girls." YOU LIE!!!

    Newsflash phony! It rains in Hilo more than any other city in America! The black sand beaches there suck if you are not into fishing and diving and almost drowning (my fave kine- I find laying on a towel for hours on end BOR-ing)! They got a great Saturday market, but basically the whole town shuts down at like 8pm.

    I know why you couldn't hack it now in Hilo. There is no Aryan Brotherhood Chapter or Friends of Valhalla or Stop the Revisionist History of WWII Internment Guild at the University. Hilo rulz!

    And lastly you are no kaku. I like them and they are purty. And although they may take a chunk out of you if you swim too close, they aren't trying to start a race war. And they won't shoot wolves from a chopper. Or hate on locals.

    Aloha. Let love prevail. And keep shaking hands with the mortally obese at the Borders in Firebaugh.

    Shine On Me

    Friday, December 04, 2009

    Poor Old Boys


    It's never fun to be in the club once they start letting everyone in.

    But can anyone else woo, hust or rubbish quite like an old white man?

    Sarah Palin shouldn't throw the shaka anymore


    Fuck I got into a goddamn windbagged conversation about Obama at the bar last night. Sucks for my single homeys because arguing about our prez basically creates a radial horniness disorder that bumbacloths any potential one night stand that could be garnered from any human females in the establishment- chicks dont wanna hear about this shit they wanna hear about themselves and how rad they are- which is fine with me I'm happily and cosmically married so I'll talk as much shit as I want loud and proud (mahalo babe!!!!)- but finally (and it only took ten months) I was the guy in the bar saying fuck Obama with both hands and to his motherfucking face and there was only half a pint in me and no liqs at all. But I'm still fired up- ready to go- today like that stupid campaign speech about the golden girl campaign volunteer that has been repeated as much as Thriller circa 82 and 09.

    I'm not on the Obama is a NOB bandwagon because I think he's heavy into Islam (I could really give a fuck and I would prefer that than the pillsbury Mormon vibration), or he's a reptilian from Kenya (whatever eat us V-people I could give a fuck- hope you like a lil ganja marinade) , or any of that horseshit about how he's some puppet (Don't look at me) to finally set up the microchip debit card implants for the Rockerfellers. HORSESHIT. I think he sucks because he's a warmonger now when he came out like he wasn't. And "his" decision is gonna bite us in the ass like sashime cobra.

    I take that shit personally because the whole election was like the dopest sports event of all time, that the whole family could really enjoy. I happened to live in Hawai'i during the last presidential cycle, and like anyone else who fears the reaper I was checking Huffingtonpost every 2.7 minutes to see if this brotha could pull it off. In case you havent heard Obama is (allegedly) from the lovely city of Honolulu on the island of O'ahu, so I was taking my then-thirteen-year-old kiddo against his will to the caucus so he could witness the wonderful Whitmanesque realization of participatory democracy and support the ka'amaina candidate. We watched the debates together as a family as I prepared our cush bunker in case evil prevailed. My dog Gregor would bark at McCain everytime he'd lurch around all aggro on the telly like the geezer needed a lei of garlic and zero gauge toothpick through his millenial heart. I liked how Obama would kinda rope a dope and everyone would be mortified that Obama didnt have what it took to overthrow Mordor, but then he'd get all aikido keep his one point and next thing you knew- clean wristlock! He wasn't groping around all nasty staphy bloody on the floor with this ancient like Vanderlay Silva versus Mandusa- Obama was calm, dignified, all the good qualities you look for in a messiah. And I'll tell ya I was all misty when he won. Mega misty. Strong men do cry.

    And yes hes doing more good than any president- whupdedoo. And yes give him more time- bro take the next century for all I cares. And boo feckin hoo I don't know how hard it is to be the prez of the free world because I'm a lowly wage slave and I heart weed. I hear what my homies are saying, about a gradual change in the way this contrarian country is maintained.

    But this Afghanusstan bollocks really pisses me off. I mean what the fuck? I thought that was your opening on Sen. Clinton, that she was a douchey hawk that supported WWIII while you were the avatar of critical thinking and cool-headedness? Believe me Barry if you would have looked into the camera at the debates and said I'll personally shove a grenade up anyone's ass in the world who tries to fuck with us, I probably woulda been a lil creeped out, but I woulda been down as long as we were actually bailing on two shitty wars. I mean the whole point of putting in you in the feckin executive chamber in the first place is that you were an anti-war candidate and you were gonna at least slow down the march to interstellar incineration. But we got played. Support our traps. Hear me now believe me later- the war is gonna expand or some American shariah piece of work is gonna slip into power because Barack Obama is telling his base to fuck off.

    I watched his lame ass speech at West Point the other day and all I could think about when he was name dropping his photo opportunities at Dover when the dozen or so corpses cruzed back home and how he visited the maimed at Walter Reed was 1) why aren't you making a speech in front of an auditorium of the limbless and the dead instead of the future limbless and dead, and 2) why aren't you making this speech in front of a crowd of civilians who actually had your back and aren't the racist pieces of orkan fecality that think you are eviler than da evil wizard in Time Bandits and 3) you sound remarkably like asshole #1 G-Dubs which makes you sound like an asshole and in turn makes all of us who give a fuck about actually making it past 2050 look like assholes for believing that you were the vanguard of all that sappy kumbayah bukkake. You had some explaining to do and for all your oratory talents you Buellered the American people with a speech left out on the Behind Enemy Lines 3 editing floor. We wanted you to stop this shit immediately.

    And to be sure, I'm gonna have to vote for El Presidente again or bum out because of Palin cuz looks like Hucklebee is outski, and who else- Glen Beck. As I think Obama is fuckin it up for everyone cuz his ego has gotten so swollen and bulbous because everyone has been psychically fellatiating him for the past three years I think Sarah Palin mass sucks. It's not cuz she's incapable, or female, it's cuz she's a bitch ass shit starter. That makes her against peace.

    Honestly I wish only the worst for her. I read today she was footsying around challenging Obama's birth certificate. Next to the article was a picture of her throwing the shaka. And so, lo and behold I gotta stick up for my prez because I hate these peckerwoods even more than I fear thee world dystrophy to come:

    Look you white devil. You are no wahine so knock it off with that shit. Especially after implying that this asshole president of ours wasn't born in Hawaii when he was. You weren't even born in Alaska, Idaho.

    But to be honest I've seen Obama throw a shaka like a poseur too, the weird pig dick handjob shaka that only people on the mainland do. So maybe he actually is a secret Sufi Al-Qaeda hashishin Bamphomet mass reptilian assassin after all. Either way the big takeover continues. We shouldn't be fighting.

    Thursday, December 03, 2009

    Remember racism? Glad that's over.

    "Republican voting expert" is one of the more sinister job titles out there. When a Republican voting expert is not expertly administering a poll tax or a swift blow to the skull, he's arguing in court that voter suppression should be allowed, now that the "political landscape ha[s] shifted, with African-Americans serving as president and attorney general."

    Good point, "expert." Racism doesn't exist anymore.

    Beatles or Stones?

    Misfats!

    Why I want to go to Libya

    It looks like this.

    May never get a visa, though. Which is too bad, because apparently Qaddafi's parties are divine.

    "Our lives have been destroyed, everything we've worked for"

    Please let her quote be the first true thing she's ever said. Also, WTF have you worked for? A fake cheerleading career? Or a show that doesn't even exist?

    RE: "Is Nothing Sacred?" and "HEY FATTY!"

    Rosa Parks was not a scam.  This was.

    Fatties, please return to Peru if you so please.

    Wednesday, December 02, 2009

    Public Service Announcement

    To any of you cackamasaurus readers out there who are considering butt surgery: don't do it. Your butt is fine. Seriously, it looks good. If you're really that worried about it, I endorse this safe alternative.

    Saturday, November 28, 2009

    Is Nothing Sacred?

    More to the point: is nothing in this stupid world not a giant fucking scam? (Answer: no)

    Wednesday, November 25, 2009

    Get a New Name

    Yours truly,

    -Tank Dent

    Jesus of Suburbia

    You know what? I don't mind Green Day. I really don't. They're actually pretty good for what they are and that song "Jesus of Suburbia" is kind of awesome. So, in conclusion: Green Day not bad. They've got nothing on this kid, though.

    Tuesday, November 24, 2009

    Monday, November 23, 2009

    Poll: which is sadder and emptier?



    a) The Hard Rock Park entertainment complex in Myrtle Beach, S.C., a "55-acre rock 'n' roll theme park" which was built for $400 million and immediately went bankrupt. It sits directly adjacent to the giant abandoned mall where Rockettes rehearse the touring version of the Radio City Christmas Spectacular.

    b) Gov. Mark Sanford, who improperly used state funds to "transport family members to the 'soft' opening of the Hard Rock Park entertainment complex in Myrtle Beach, S.C." Among other things, of course.

    ...and the Flipside

    Is it a valid excuse to beat your parents because you want them to age slower?

    Saturday, November 21, 2009

    Almost Perfect

    Apparently after all this time experts have finally found a negative side to child abuse. Who knew?

    Not going to South Africa

    Some are taking it better than others

    Wednesday, November 18, 2009

    "Nopes! He didn’t slap her back"

    Oh, Okay

    Well that should pretty much fix everything.

    Tuesday, November 17, 2009

    Monday, November 16, 2009

    Take anything you want

    Whiney blogger meets whiney dog.

    CACKAMASAURUS CHALLENGE!

    OK folks. This year has only 88 posts so far. If we continue at the current pace, we will be the least productive year to date. I suggest that everyone attempt to post once per week until the end of the year. And invite some new people who don't suck (sorry Topeka).

    Sunday, November 15, 2009

    Saturday, November 14, 2009

    Wednesday, November 11, 2009

    Laughing Baby

    Hoe v. Wade

    1 The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch “hoe.” A “hoe,” of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden’s response. We have taken the liberty of changing “hoe” to “ho,” a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps “You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies.”


    Page 2. Footnote 1, U.S. v. Murphy.

    Saturday, November 07, 2009

    Monday, November 02, 2009

    Monday, October 26, 2009

    Beck! Are You Listening?

    Please, please follow this lead.

    Monday, October 19, 2009

    Office Lady Rape: Devouring the Giant Tits

    Do yourself a favor and read the name of every single movie in the Release Title section. They're gonna hafta create a new Oscar category.

    Genocide

    Call the UN because this was a massacre.

    Friday, October 16, 2009

    Tuesday, October 13, 2009

    Sunday, October 11, 2009

    Evolution?

    Why is this meant to be surprising, and this isn't?

    Saturday, October 10, 2009

    The Aspirational Peace Prize

    Why did Obama get the Nobel again?
    Because he fixed Iraq? Afghanistan? Iran? Israel/Palestine? Healthcare?

    WTF?

    They talked about nuclear disarmament, but last I checked we still have 5000+ nuclear bombs. If wanting to do shit but not having the ability was enough to get a prize, then give cackamasaurus the fucking Pulitzer. Give M. Night Shymalan a dozen oscars. This piece prize seems more like a dare - "Here's the prize, betcha wont live up to it."

    Wait. Didn't Henry Kissinger win the goddam Nobel?

    Yup, and Crash won the fucking oscar.

    I'll be expecting delivery on that Pulitzer. And M. Night, don't give up the M. fight!

    Please Christ Let This Be True!!!

    My faith will be restored if somehow this world is populated by women who are into wussies and can't get pregnant.

    Friday, October 09, 2009

    You Can't Make This Up, Folks

    Something tells me the kids were gonna be pretty fucked up even if this didn't happen.

    Monday, October 05, 2009

    Thursday, October 01, 2009

    I knew these guys were [like me]

    Effective sure, but about as gay as Brasky's wardrobe.

    Saturday, September 26, 2009

    Wednesday, September 23, 2009

    Sunday, September 13, 2009

    YouAreGay...

    ...and right on, two times.

    1 2

    Tuesday, September 08, 2009

    Wednesday, September 02, 2009

    With a Face ...



    Who could have guessed?

    Thursday, August 27, 2009

    While in Germany there were these folks with self tanner that were trying to look Indian. I was not convinced. There was also this puppet snake and a sexy snake dance involved.

    Friday, August 14, 2009

    Criminal Contempt

    Donald Perry must be the most patriotic guy of all time. First he imports workers from Peru (10 pts), houses them in sub-hobo conditions (20 pts) and breaks the overtime and minimum wage laws (no points, that's just baseline economy-stimulating good citizenship). THEN, when they run away and file a Fair Labor Standards Act claim, he goes on a rampage trying to get these guys deported by calling New York State Police, UnitedStates Attorney General John Ashcroft, Homeland Security, the Department of Labor, the New York State Attorney General, and local radio, accusing them of being "illegal alien sympathizers of the International Maoist Terrorist Organization known as the Sendero Luminosa and have formed their own “sleeper cell” in the United States" (bing bing bing bing zzzzpflllfffrrght you broke the point machine!). That is the TRIFECTA right there. You have to be SO PATRIOTIC to call your farmworkers illegals, terrorists, AND communists.
    (this case is a great read--there is so much more)

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009

    Tuesday, August 11, 2009

    Tuesday, August 04, 2009

    Rap Battle

    Watch Marv-O introduce these two very talented gentlemen 'envy' and eli (from the class 2005).





    Saturday, August 01, 2009

    The Worst Person In the World Redux

    Whatever happened to Worst Person In the World on Cack? Time to dust it off because every baseball season this steaming pile of shit makes a run at the crown daily. He's the man Red Sox message board Sons of Sam Horn describes as "The Worst Announcer in the History of Announcing Things." How can someone make something as cool as a steal of home or a perfect game so unbearable? As David Cross says about Creed, "I would rather hear the death rattle of my only child than listen to that fuckin' shit." At least it's nice to know I'm not the only one. Sorry White Sox, I love your manager, but I hope you lose every game ever until that Homer is thrown into Lake Michigan with an anvil tied around his ankle.

    Tuesday, July 28, 2009

    Wednesday, July 22, 2009

    Sunday, July 12, 2009

    We come from the land of the ice and snow
    from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow
    How soft your fields so green
    Can whisper tales of gore
    Of how we calmed the tides of war
    We are your overlords.

    Wednesday, July 08, 2009

    Is this supposed to be an accomplishment?

    All you need is the Internet and some privacy. Even without those two things, you'll find a way.

    Monday, June 29, 2009

    Piece of Strange


    So being against adultery = taking a heroic stand ? Or is that just according to the same people who are genuinely thrilled to bits because someone who once worked in the finance industry also makes cookies sometimes?

    Wednesday, June 24, 2009

    Perpetual motion...

    as long as fossil fuels continue to power the escalator. But still, cool.

    Sorry Vida Blue...

    ...(and Coco Crisp and Milton Bradley), but there's a new best named player in baseball.

    Wednesday, June 17, 2009

    Better Than Normal

    It must be somewhat bittersweet for the Republican party when one of their ranks is caught having an affair with a member of the opposite sex. "You blew it, but at least it wasn't a male prostitute's ween. Thanks for that."

    Tuesday, June 16, 2009

    yoo can't always get what yoo want

    It's official: lawyers aren't as special, as smart, as interesting (or as immune from prosecution) as they think.

    Thursday, June 11, 2009

    I always think it's weird when anti-Semites are also Holocaust deniers. If you think Jews need to be mass-murdered, why get all undermine-y about a pretty successful attempt at that? Just own your mass-murdering heritage, people. Anyway, this essay* really clears all that up.

    *By a guy who's given me new respect for all those hypocrites who would never actually act on their beliefs.

    Tuesday, June 09, 2009

    "Happy World Oceans Day"?! That's not an appropriate response to this picture. Unless coming face to face with the giant squishy nexus where terror meets revulsion makes you happy.

    Friday, June 05, 2009

    A Very Sad Truth

    This is a horrible, heartbreaking tragedy. Also, if your daughter is named Nevaeh, you are a fucking asshole.

    Tuesday, June 02, 2009

    Monday, June 01, 2009

    If humans are pattern-recognizing creatures with brains that work by making narrative sense out of the world. . . that goes a long way towards explaining the comments* that used to be on this page before they took it down 'due to traffic.' Anything, even an act that breaks the biggest taboos,** has to be woven back into the pattern.

    *
    he was meant to die, cuz of god; i prayed for him to die, but oh noes, i didn't know god would do it this way; god is just playing a complicated trick on me and my anti-abortion friends; this is perfectly logical and basically the ghosts of dead babies did it (also a few 'all killing is bad' types, probably wusses who would have told Jesus to use magic and fly away instead of getting crucified).
    **murdering a guy. in church.

    Tuesday, May 26, 2009

    It gets worse

    This crazy ass dog

    As I sit here in Chicago and get drunk off of icehouse this is what I give to you.

    Jose Canseco fights a giant Asian man in a mixed martial arts contest.

    Seriously.

    Thursday, May 21, 2009

    The Worst Person in the World Just Won


    the NBA Draft Lottery.  Normally this would be good news because you know they would make the wrong choice.   Sadly however, there is only one choice to make this year...in the entire draft.  Literally, this draft has only one player in it.  I am not lying.  Blake Griffin is the only player in the draft this year.  Anyways, back to today's nomination for THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

    Tuesday, May 19, 2009

    "Out of all people in America...


    ...and of all people in the world, it had to happen to me."

    Sunday, May 17, 2009

    How the fuck?!

    Is this dipshit not fired?

    Friday, May 08, 2009

    All My Single Ladies ...

    Don't marry a guy named Peterson!

    Tuesday, May 05, 2009

    Don't Call It a Comeback...

    ...I've been here for years. (and a little bit, why not)

    Monday, April 27, 2009

    If the homos can choose to be gay...

    ...then I guess this isn't brain-rupturingly hypocritical. Or is it? I'm confused. What does my bible say?

    Thursday, April 09, 2009

    Is Up Down?

    Alberto Gonzales...

    John Yoo...

    "may be subject to immediate arrest."

    I might start going to church.

    To Celebrate He Had the Barber Give Him a Derek Jeter

    Headline that seems like it's from the Onion, but is actually real.

    Monday, March 30, 2009

    Monday, March 23, 2009

    Fortune Cookie Say:

    Crash plane into cemetery, save money on hearse.

    Born To Die


    Probably should have seen this coming.

    Tuesday, March 17, 2009

    Wednesday, March 04, 2009

    Spring Training

    I will literally do anything to avoid it.

    Why...

    ...am I bald and this asshole has a full head of flowing hair? Uh, also, please don't rape babies.

    Monday, March 02, 2009

    Thursday, February 26, 2009

    Monday, February 23, 2009

    Saturday, February 21, 2009

    Why Do We Hate Gun Control Again?

    Replace "Mommy" with some chick
    +
    Give the 11 year old kid his own shotgun
    =
    Life in Prison?

    Besides this "mass murderer" of a child, who do we blame this time? video games? pornography? the YouTube?

    Who cares, as long as it's not the father or the god-blessed guns.

    Wednesday, February 18, 2009

    Friday, February 13, 2009

    Hit and Run and Run and Run

    On Wednesday morning a pedestrian was impaled on the bottom of a car and dragged 17 miles to his death. Since making the gruesome discovery, the driver of the car claims he is no longer be able to eat sloppy joes.

    Monday, January 12, 2009

    Sunday, January 11, 2009

    Sunday, January 04, 2009